Torment the Young, Even if it's Yourself

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.


1. Sweetheart, you're a D cup, not a C cup. Stop wearing sports bras and give those guys some support before they fall down. You know that song, "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" You're going to be singing "Do Your Boobs Hang Low?" if you don't get a good underwire. 


2. Your mom was right. You'll miss her when she's gone. That's a good thing. That means, in the end, you two get along and you actually want to call her all the time. But, it takes time. And, you have to quit taking everything so personally. She is the way she is and she loves you more than you'll ever know. And that thing you want to happen isn't going to happen and can't happen, so let it go and move on. 


3. Your sister doesn't want to be your sister. She wants to forget. Just leave her alone or you'll get your heart broken every couple of years. 


4. Eat as much ice cream as you can right now. In fact, go to Dairy Queen and get the largest M&M Blizzard they sell. In the future, you are lactose intolerant. No, don't ask what that means, just eat your ice cream!


5. You're pretty. You're not as fat as you think you are. You're funny as Hell. That guy you think can't possibly be interested in you? Maybe he is. Take the paranoia down a notch. Most of those people that were awful in high school grew up and turned into decent people. I know, right? Shocking. 


6. All those things you think you'll never do, start striving for them now. 


7. You know how you want a puppy? Ahahahaha! The jokes on you, and no, I'm not going to explain it further. Ahahahahahahaha! Don't roll your eyes at me. 


8. You know how you tallied up how much it would cost to be an adult with pets and you were wondering how in the world anybody could afford it? You're RIGHT! It really does cost that much. Gah, I wish I had listened to you.


9. You CAN drive. You can. See if you and Patricia can take out Mom's car. You never really get the hang of the stick shift, but more practice in an automatic might get you on the road on your own before you leave high school.


10. Get your friends to show you how to apply makeup and use a curling iron. It's a bit embarrassing to go to the Clinique counter in your 30's and ask somebody to teach you how to apply makeup. I mean, if you can learn that and get a good bra, we will have less pictures to retake. Oh, and take another bite of that ice cream.