In the Eyes of a Zombie Virus Carrier

What is your favorite part of your body and why?

Those are mine. They can't see worth a darn and I have retina holes that cause a disc like image to go across my vision on occasion, much like a solar eclipse. So, if I ever yell out, "Solar eclipse!" don't look at the sun. 


I can't wear contacts either, my eyes are too dry. And, it doesn't really matter because they don't make a contact with a prescription strong enough, not to mention I'm allergic to most of the contact solutions. 


But these are my eyes and I really like them. Like the Mola mola, bat, jellyfish, and legless amphibians, they're different and beautiful and occasionally creepy. You should have seen the picture before I cropped it. I looked like a psycho. 


The interesting thing about this picture, is that it's the first time I have been able to see my eyes up close. I had no idea that the left eye had any brown in it at all. I am discovering all kinds of new things at the age of 32. I think it's my age of discovery.


Believe it or not, most people don't notice that my eyes are two different colors, even when I did wear contacts. Even my husband didn't know until we had been married for a couple of years. I'm not sure how the topic came up. I think it started as a joke. Anyway, one night, in bed, in the dark, I asked him, "What color are my eyes?" And he didn't know. Well, we didn't snuggle that night, let me tell you.


The next day, he checked my driver's license. My eye color is listed as blue. So, he came in, all pleased with himself, and announced that I had blue eyes. How in the world do you date someone and marry someone without being aware that they have sectoral heterochromia? That's a fancy way of saying I have blue eyes with sections of brown. He knows my eye color now. He also knows my favorite color, favorite chocolate, birthday, social security, and how I like my coffee. 


When people do notice that I have sectoral heterochromia, their initial reaction is to get right up in my face, almost nose to nose, and ask me if my eyes are two different colors. I have never punched anyone for this, but I won't deny the desire. Then, they tell me about how they saw/had/have a dog with eyes just like that and the dog's name is usually Psycho. 


Besides the fact sectoral heterochromia is rare and just looks awesome, according to the zombie flick 28 Weeks Later, if I should catch the zombie virus, I would be asymptomatic. That's a fancy way of saying I would be a carrier but would exhibit none of the symptoms of the disease. Heck, as far as you know, I could already be infected and that's why I call myself "The Zombie Mom." 

Torment the Young, Even if it's Yourself

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.


1. Sweetheart, you're a D cup, not a C cup. Stop wearing sports bras and give those guys some support before they fall down. You know that song, "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" You're going to be singing "Do Your Boobs Hang Low?" if you don't get a good underwire. 


2. Your mom was right. You'll miss her when she's gone. That's a good thing. That means, in the end, you two get along and you actually want to call her all the time. But, it takes time. And, you have to quit taking everything so personally. She is the way she is and she loves you more than you'll ever know. And that thing you want to happen isn't going to happen and can't happen, so let it go and move on. 


3. Your sister doesn't want to be your sister. She wants to forget. Just leave her alone or you'll get your heart broken every couple of years. 


4. Eat as much ice cream as you can right now. In fact, go to Dairy Queen and get the largest M&M Blizzard they sell. In the future, you are lactose intolerant. No, don't ask what that means, just eat your ice cream!


5. You're pretty. You're not as fat as you think you are. You're funny as Hell. That guy you think can't possibly be interested in you? Maybe he is. Take the paranoia down a notch. Most of those people that were awful in high school grew up and turned into decent people. I know, right? Shocking. 


6. All those things you think you'll never do, start striving for them now. 


7. You know how you want a puppy? Ahahahaha! The jokes on you, and no, I'm not going to explain it further. Ahahahahahahaha! Don't roll your eyes at me. 


8. You know how you tallied up how much it would cost to be an adult with pets and you were wondering how in the world anybody could afford it? You're RIGHT! It really does cost that much. Gah, I wish I had listened to you.


9. You CAN drive. You can. See if you and Patricia can take out Mom's car. You never really get the hang of the stick shift, but more practice in an automatic might get you on the road on your own before you leave high school.


10. Get your friends to show you how to apply makeup and use a curling iron. It's a bit embarrassing to go to the Clinique counter in your 30's and ask somebody to teach you how to apply makeup. I mean, if you can learn that and get a good bra, we will have less pictures to retake. Oh, and take another bite of that ice cream. 

Love is a Sword and an Awkward Hug

Number 28 on the list is: What is your love language? According to Dr. Gary Chapman (the doctorate is in philosophy), there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. If this was not on the list, I wouldn't be doing this, because Dr. Chapman is church pastor and if you recall from my 20 Random Things, I don't put much stock in the words of Christians. Still, the idea is valid enough so, here we go.

The site offers six assessments: wives, husbands, for parents of teenagers, for singles, for children, and languages of apology. I chose to do the wife assessment and the singles assessment because I am not just a wife. Scores are based on 30 questions. The highest you can receive for any language is 12. Each answer is worth one point, so when you add up all your points from each language, you will have 30 points.

Wife Assessment Results: I got 8 on Words of Affirmation, 8 on Quality Time, 0 on Receiving Gifts, 8 for Acts of Service, and 6 on Physical Touch. Even though I scored evenly on Words of Affirmation, Quality Time and Acts of Service, the assessment decided my first love language is Words of Affirmation. There's a flowery paragraph about what this means on the assessment page, but I can sum it up:  I like to be told I'm awesome and how I'm awesome.

Not to worry, I'm not going to forget about that egg next to Receiving Gifts. I like gifts as much as anyone. I have received some majorly cool things. When somebody gives me something that reflects my personality and proves the person has been paying attention to who I am, it's pretty darn sweet. But, I don't require gifts to feel love. However, I'm aware that this is the way some people show that they care, so I would like those people to know that I have an Amazon.com wishlist. And, if you're one of those people that think only big gifts will do, I would suggest giving me this:

I might change my mind about the whole receiving gifts thing.

Single Assessment Results: I got an 8 for Words of Affirmation, 9 for Quality Time, 4 for Receiving Gifts, 8 for Acts of Service, 1 Physical Touch. This time Quality Time won out. I will sum up the flowery paragraph to this: don't text when we're out to eat, watching a movie, or I'm pouring my heart out to you.

Why different results? Easy. When I took the first assessment, I was, of course, only considering my husband. When I took the Single Assessment, I was considering my friends current and in the future. You'll notice the 4 in Receiving Gifts (Inigo Montoya's sword can be purchased here). I believe this is in correlation to the lowered Physical Touch score. Anytime I had a choice between being touched or getting a gift, I chose the gift. It's one thing to be touched by my husband, it's another to be touched by other people. I don't like to be touched. I don't like to shake hands, hug, or have my shoulder squeezed. This all goes out the window when it comes to my husband and kids, but, with everybody else, it's usually best if you let me make the first move. Much like with the Gary Busey thing (oh dear god I need to stop using that link or I'll never sleep again!), those same friends hug me on a regular basis to make me squirm. Jerks.

Death is Everywhere and It's Probably Gary Busey

Number 2 on Angela's list is:  Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears. I'm going to expand on this and list 3 legitimate fears and three fears I have out of wedlock. 


Legitimate Fears:


1. I fear that if I die before Steve and before the kids are grown that the house will get so messy that it will become unfit to live in and CPS will come and take the children away. I do not think this is an unreasonable fear. When I was on bed rest with my second pregnancy, there were so many doggy tumbleweeds rolling across the floor, I started thinking we got new pets. Not to mention the spaghetti stain on the kitchen counter that stayed there for a whole month (until I got off bed rest and wiped it off the counter). You should see the kitchen table 24 hours after I clean it off. I try to calm my fears by convincing myself that if I should die, that would mean less trips to Target, which means there would be enough money left over for a maid service. Right? Right?! I need to live!


2. I fear I will become my mother. Not so much in the personality way, but she was disabled and couldn't do much. She stayed in her room most of the time doing crossword puzzles or playing a handheld video game. Sometimes she moved out to the living room to get some sun from the window and watch soap operas or a movie. She could also drive and we took long drives in the country. Really, I have pleasant memories of and with my mother in all three of those places, but we didn't really get to go out and do things. No zoo, no walks, no mall trips, no vacations, no swimming and rarely the movies. She didn't clean with me, do the laundry with me, or the dishes, and it was rare for her to sit in the kitchen and help us cook. I know she missed doing those things too. I know I would miss doing these things with my kids or doing things for them. But, I have a lot of health issues, and I fear that one day I'll be unable to do. Yeah, I meant to end there. I'm afraid I won't be able to Do. 


3. I have a 15-year-old min. schnauzer named Mickey that I've had since I was 17. He's senile and has some health issues. I know that I will eventually have to put him down or I'll find him dead. Knowing that moment is lurking around the corner scares me. This scares me more than my MIL's current cancer scare. I think because Mickey's eminent death offers a distraction. I don't have to look to closely at my MIL's health issues because we're not sure what's going on right now and I KNOW for a fact Mickey's time is short. 


Illegitimate Fears:


1. Gary Busey: It was really hard not to put him on my Legitimate list. That man is terrifying. Jake Busey is pretty scary too. I have some pretty mean friends that like to post Busey pictures on my facebook page sometimes. Jerks.


2. Needles: When I get a shot or have blood drawn, I have to stay seated for awhile so I won't faint. At least I have sense enough to get my shots and let them draw my blood. 


3. Roaches: When I was little, a tiny roach climbed into my ear while I was sleeping. It was very loud and I was terrified that it would never come out. Of course, my mother got it out and all was fine. But, my husband handles all wayward roaches and we're on a pest control contract. 

Twenty Random Things

A friend of mine started a new blog a few days ago. I liked her second post so much, that I decided to start a blog myself based on the idea. Actually, I already had this blog. I created it one night while on Ambien. But this is my first actual post here. Ahem.

Twenty Random Things About Me

1. I've read the Bible all the way through five times. The first time was when I was 13. Reading the Bible is what really drove me away from the church. I started noticing how people would take scripture out of context and twist it to their uses. I started noticing that the God in the Bible was not the same God in the church. When I asked the adults in the church about it, they told me I was too young to understand and don't talk to the other kids about it. One day, the pastor of the church I was attending had the congregation pray for the unsaved to be so miserable and tortured that they would turn to God. I walked out. 


2. When I was a kid, my dream car was a station wagon and my dream home was a RV. My dream car is still a station wagon. My dream home is clean. 


3. I am an introvert. That does not mean I'm shy or antisocial. I'm very comfortable being by myself, I have a small group of close friends, trust is very important to me, group situations drain me and I'm the stereotypical writer. It's rare for me to wear bright colored clothing or clothes that aren't comfortable. I am a topnotch observer, but I promise you that I'm not psychic. 


4. I'm VERY honest, even when it would do me better to lie. This is a conscious decision I made years ago. It's not because I can't lie or that I'm not good at lying. I choose not to lie. So, if you ask me a question, you had best be asking the question with the knowledge that I will answer bluntly and truthfully. Asking me how I like your hair could be a hazard to you, your hairdresser, me and our friendship. I do not have diarrhea of the mouth, though. Being honest doesn't mean telling everyone everything. Being honest doesn't mean I have to answer the person as thoroughly as possible. If someone has told me a secret, asked me not to tell anybody, or just seems inappropriate to share information, I will simply say, "I can't answer that," or "That's none of your business." 


5. It takes a lot to get me mad. A LOT. But, when I am mad, I am BRUTAL and I will come for your soul. I also get over being mad pretty darn quickly and am extremely forgiving...that is, if you survived the BRUTAL stage. 


6. I have very bad eyesight. Even with glasses on, the world has a slight blur around the edges. I also have issues telling distance and I can't hang a picture straight to save my life. At night, it's hard for me to tell where the traffic lights are or how far or close cars are to me. If it's raining, I'm really screwed. I adapted by being really sensitive to motion, memorizing routes, and using logic to figure out how the road is going to go, where people are going to go, and looking for perpendicular streets to tell me where the traffic light is probably going to be. I also try not to drive that often at night. Surprisingly, my driving is pretty good, but I do get honked at on occasion for not taking a left turn that the people behind me think I could have taken just fine. They're probably right, but better safe than dead. 


7. I have excellent hearing, sense of smell, and taste buds. I know what you said about me, I know who farted, and I know your secret ingredient. 


8. I ruin magic tricks. I can't help myself. If somebody does a magic trick for me, the urge for me to tell them how they did it is extremely strong. I'm the same way about jokes. If I know the answer, I will tell you the answer and ruin the joke. I also ruin movies. 


9. I ruin magic tricks, jokes and movies because I am very logical. I would get along well with Spock and Data from Star Trek. Due to my logic, I am very good at putting things together and solving logic puzzles. One of my friends used to tell me all the time to keep my logic in my pocket. 


10. Speaking of Data and Spock, I also don't emote well. I am hard to read and it's hard to tell what I'm thinking. I am not aware that I'm doing this. I only know that this happens because many people have told me so. If you're not sure if I'm kidding or not or you want to know how I feel about something, it is best to ask rather than try to figure out my body language and tone. 


11. I find beauty in the odd, especially in life. Bats are cute, Mola molas are amazing, the jellyfish is my favorite animal of all, and legless amphibians have gorgeous color. When you go ew, I'll probably go aw. If you ask me why I think it's beautiful or cute, I will tell you in detail. I do not say something is cute or beautiful to be different or cool, I SEE the beauty, and I wish everybody could. 


12. I love cryptozoology. Who doesn't? I have a bigfoot statue peeking out from under my shrubbery. 


13. Purple is my favorite color. Purple amethyst is my favorite stone. I wish my car was purple. I would paint my whole house shades of purple if I could get away with it. But, I only have one purple shirt. 


14. I am 32 and just learned to use the mower for the first time yesterday. 


15. I love puns. The lamer, the better. When I'm feeling down, I can always count on my friends to send an awesome pun my way. Their reaction to making a pun is even punnier. 

16. I'm a chocolate lover and a bit of a chocolate snob. My preference is 72% dark chocolate but I will eat up to 80% dark chocolate. Dagoba Organic chocolate is currently my favorite special treat. My favorite "cheap" chocolate is Willy Wonka's Scrumdiddlyumptious, which is being discontinued. My favorite movie theater chocolate is M&M's, especially mixed with popcorn.

17. I am careful about the music I listen to. If a song triggers sadness, moodiness, or upsetting memories, I will turn it off and/or delete it from my ipod. When I'm sad, I like to listen to the Monkees and Rob Zombie. I really like the band Blue October, but, they make me melancholy, so I rarely listen to them. 

18. I'm married to a man who puts up with some of my quirks and loves the other ones. I'm happy to say he's just as quirky. We have been married for 12 years. I have taught him more than he has ever wanted to know about animals and he has taught me more than I have ever wanted to know about music. We are in a friendly war over my black cat, Henry. This war brings me much joy. 

19. I got my ears pierced for the first time at the age of 32.

20. I have a strong instinct to protect others. I have always been this way. While I know how to survive the zombie apocalypse, my chances are slim because I'm the nut that will throw myself between a stranger and a zombie. I despair over this trait. Martyr siiiiiigh.